Thriving relationships can be nourishing and fulfilling. However, they all come with their own unique challenges. A common issue that many couples face is a mismatch in their libidos or sexual desire. You might be wanting to have more sex than you’re currently having with your partner/s? Or maybe you’re finding it hard to access your desire for your partner/s? If you are struggling with differing levels of sexual desire, you’re not alone. Understanding the reasons behind differing levels of sexual desire and considering the benefits of seeking support from a sex therapist can be incredibly valuable for your relationship.
Understanding Mismatched Libidos
Your sex drive, or libido, is your want to feel sexual stimulation. Emily Nagoski, a well-known sex educator, says, “everyone's sexual desire is responsive and context-dependent”. Everyone has different levels of sexual desire, which fluctuate throughout their life and relationships. Having a different libido to your partner/s is a totally natural and common phenomenon. However, it can sometimes lead to feelings of tension, confusion, and misunderstanding in a relationship.
Here are some of the factors that may contribute to a mismatch in libido;
Biological Factors:
● Hormonal fluctuations with estrogen or testosterone
● Impact of menstrual cycles, pregnancy, menopause
● medical reasons and chronic illnesses
● Medications, such as antidepressants or birth control pills.
Psychological Factors:
● Stress, anxiety, and depression.
● Grief
● Past trauma or negative sexual experiences.
● Self-esteem & body image
● Shame
Relationship & Cultural Dynamics:
● Communication issues or unresolved conflicts can reduce desire
● Family stress or pressure, community or friend conflict
● Differences in religious or cultural beliefs
● Differences in sex education received
● Levels of trust – increased trust can increase desire
● Balancing the relational needs of security and permanence (the anchoring part of our lives) with the need for mystery/surprise (the adventurous part of our lives)
Lifestyle Factors:
● Busy schedules, fatigue, and lack of quality time together.
● Different sleep patterns or responsibilities.
Sexuality & Sexual preferences:
● Differences in sexual preferences or interests
● Asexual spectrum or having a libido that is separate from sexual attraction to others
Why See a Sex Therapist?
When mismatched libidos cause distress in your relationship, it can actually be a great help to seek the help of a sex therapist. Why? Here some of the ways that a sex therapist can support you:
Improved Communication:
● A sex therapist can help you and your partner/s develop better communication skills, allowing you to discuss your desires, needs, and boundaries more openly and effectively.
Identifying Underlying Issues:
● Sometimes, mismatched libidos are a symptom of deeper issues, such as unresolved conflicts or emotional disconnect. A therapist can help identify and address these underlying problems.
Developing Strategies:
● A sex therapist can provide practical strategies to bridge the gap between differing libidos. This might include scheduling intimate time, exploring new ways to connect sexually, or finding compromises that satisfy all involved.
Educating and Normalising:
● Understanding that mismatched libidos are common and natural can reduce stress and pressure. A therapist can provide education about sexual health and normalise the experience you and your partner/s may be having.
Enhancing Intimacy:
● Therapy can help you and your partner/s rediscover and enhance intimacy in ways that are fulfilling for both of you. This might involve exploring non-sexual forms of intimacy or finding new ways to connect emotionally and physically.
Managing Expectations:
● A sex therapist can help you set realistic expectations for your sexual relationship and understand that fluctuations in libido are normal over time.
When to Seek Help
Consider seeing a sex therapist if:
● Mismatched libidos are causing significant stress or conflict in your relationship.
● One or multiple partners feel regularly unsatisfied or resentful.
● Communication about sex has broken down or feels difficult.
● There are unresolved issues or past traumas affecting your sexual relationship.
● You want to improve your overall sexual health and intimacy.
Conclusion
Mismatched libidos can be upsetting and confusing. Having differing or changing levels of sexual desire in your relationship can lead to feelings of disconnect or resentment. Sex therapists are here to support you to navigate these issues to find pathways towards greater communication, understanding, connection, intimacy - and eroticism in your relationship.
Reach Out to Us
At Healing Studio, our therapists are highly experienced in providing a safe and supportive space to explore these issues and enhance your relationship. For more information or to book a session, visit our website or contact us directly to talk further.
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